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Tag: mentor

What is the smallest thing you can do to improve your life?

What is the smallest thing you can to do improve your life?” asked  engineer turned social media technologist cum psychologist, Benjamin Ellis, today on Twitter.

An impossible question!

We can never answer that question and this is why.

When “life is going well”, we don’t ask.

– Not because life is going well, but because we have no issue with getting on with life. The next step emerges, then the next, then the next.  We generate ideas as fast as we need them.

When “life is going badly”, we can’t answer.

–  Not because life is going badly, but because we can’t imagine the next step.  And because we can’t imagine the next step, we feel the way is lost.   And when the way is lost, we worry that life is lost.   And then we worry about improving our life.

“Life is going badly” means we can’t tell you spontaneously the small thing that we will be doing next!

The positive psychology answer

The positive psychology answer is to restore the feeling of well-being – not by another cup of coffee, though I am guilty of that.

And not by artificial crutches of well-being like positive chanting.

1 Actively savor

But by taking a small step “in the life in which we find ourselves”.  Poet David Whyte says that “sometimes truth depends upon a walk around the lake.”  Bringing forward one’s daily exercise and getting out into the fresh air and nature might restore our composure.

Rule of thumb: Bring forward a task that is important that we can do with enthusiasm and appreciation.

2 Meaningfully appreciate

Failing that, we simply need to pay attention to the task in front of us and do it mindfully.  Feel the keys beneath our fingers.  Feel the solid floor beneath our feet.

And if we do make some coffee, do it with care and appreciation.

Rule of thumb: Become engaged again with life through the things immediately to hand.

3 Ask for help

Mentors are important not just for their practical advice and or for the bolstering of our self-esteem.   Mentors are useful for the simple questions they ask.

A good mentor takes us out of the mental space of panic and helps us pinpoint what’s next.   They find it easy to ask the question that leads us to answer “What is the smallest thing we can do to improve our life?”  When they are skillful and not inclined to take over our burdens, they ask the small obvious question that leads to a small obvious answer.    @jackiecameron1 in Edinburgh, Scotland played that role for me yesterday quite publicly on Twitter.

She really does have the touch of the simple question that is so hard to ask.

Rule of thumb: Describe our conundrum to someone we trust.  They will often ask a simple question that might make us feel foolish but it will point us to what we crave – what to do next.

What do positive psychologists do?

So that’s what positive psychologists do.

They return us to the positive ecology of doing small things that matter quite spontaneously and help us stay there if we are there already.

Not knowing what to do is the bad life, and the bad life is not knowing what to do. One does not lead to the other.   They are the same thing.  The bad life and being out of actionable ideas are the same thing.

But the first step of getting out of the bad life is very hard to take – by definition.  If we knew, we would be doing it and we wouldn’t feel life is bad.

So that is what positive psychologists do.   We suggest you just carry on but acting the good life because the good life is the action you crave and action is the good life.

We won’t necessarily like the advice because at the minute we’ve persuaded ourselves that we are not in the good life.  But it is here.   It is present.  It is with us always.

Act out the good life right now in the life that you find yourself and you will forget the question of “What is the smallest thing we can do to improve our life?”

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Understanding what is “hard” and what is not

What your mother didn’t teach you

A long time ago, I read a book called “What your mother didn’t teach you”.  It had a cynical message built in to its witty title.  Everyone who succeeds in business had a patron who smoothed the way.

We all need a patron

We all need a teacher, a mentor, a coach and a champion. Mum cannot do that for us.  We need someone in our field who can show us where the doors are and most importantly of all, give us feedback.

A patron tells us what is hard

Is what we are doing hard?  Should we have made progress by now?  Should we be persisting?  What strategies would produce the feeling of progress?  What is real progress in this work?  Where should I exert my energy?  What is a distraction that I should ignore?

Without patrons, we are lost. We just don’t know how long anything takes? We don’t know how much frustration to put up with.

An example: how hard is it to design a good logo

To illustrate what I mean, here is a link to designing a logo. It’s a good reference on designing a logo. But more importantly it describes the process of designing a logo and gives you an idea of the effort and frustration involved.  That’s good coaching.

Find yourself a patron in your field

Now find yourself patrons in your own field.  Without someone experienced to show you the way, you will never know when to “try harder” and when to give up.

And if you are a coach, take heed.

People come to us looking for information about what is and what is not “hard.”

Read for format!  This is the kind of information that people need badly!  Supplying someone with the right patron is the help they need.

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3 questions to ask when you are stuck

I’m stuck!  Oh, we are. So often!

From time to time, we feel like we are stuck deep mud

Have you ever driven a car into deep mud? It’s infuriating.  Your first impulse is to gun the engine. Your wheels spin. And you sink into the mud!

Arrgh! We got into the mud because we were in a hurry and in frustration we’ve made it even harder to get out!

Knowledge matters when we are stuck in mud

  • Try explaining to a driver stuck in mud that they must inch out!
  • Try explaining that they must put the lightest touch on the accelerator and give the wheels a chance to gain traction!
  • Try explaining that we might need to put something dry under the wheels to give them some grip.
  • Try explaining that pushing and heaving is not the answer.

Patience and know-how is going to win the day!

Change driver? I would but it is your life!

When people sink real cars into real mud, it is often easier to tell them to get out and let me drive the car out. Especially if they are blokes. They don’t listen to women about driving!

But in the real world, you have to drive yourself out. I can’t do that for you.  I am also going to leave you if you are so engrossed in your own wobbly that all you want to do is put your foot on the pedal.

When you are willing to calm down and work patiently to get out of this muddy dilemma, then we can work together.

These are the questions we will ask and answer when you are stuck in mud

  • Where are the wheels? Where are our traction points? Where are our points of contact with the world or the problem?
  • What could we put under the wheels? Is there some gravel or cardboard or grass we could put under the wheels? What can we do to help the world help us?
  • Can we be trusted to put the vehicle in first gear, or even reverse, and apply our feet very lightly to the gas pedal? Can we be relied upon to inch out with out getting into other mud, splattering your helpers, or driving into them? Will you concentrate?

Of course you can get out of a difficult situation

But you have to want to. You have to have some idea that this is an important task. You are going to have to ditch your temper tantrum. You are going to have to work with what is workable – what is in touch with the world and how can we strengthen the connection.  You are going to be controlled – a light touch to allow the world to respond helpfully. You are going to have to know your tools and use them to express your respect to the world.

You can’t try this and then that and then something else. Control is of the essence here.

  • Review the situation and find the points were we make contact with the world.
  • Improve the traction at those points.
  • Inch out using touch-and-feel to improve the traction.

Are you up for getting out of stuck?

Psychologists, mentors, coaches help you keep your nerve. But you will do the work. And you can begin right now by taking a deep breath and listing all the points in the system where something works – anything that works.

Take that list to your psychologist. Well, you might save yourself the fee and solve the problem yourself!

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