I am 99% persuaded by positive psychology, largely because I thought like a positive psychologist long before it was invented. I never took to clinical psychology so I had nothing to discard, so to speak.
But it is the darker side of life where I think positive psychology has its limits. Maybe the typical positive psychologist does not feel that because they have the skills to deal with people who are deeply unhappy.
My reservations come at many levels. As a practitioner, though, I want to know what to do when we are in a dark place.
What does it mean to be resilient when times are terrible? What are the critical processes that we are trying to leverage?
If I succeed at exercising leadership when times are miserable, if I show resilience and help others to be resilient, what might these processes be?
Here are 5 processes underlying resilience
I would be interested in your thoughts.
The key to listening to angry people, among which I include people who are deeply insulted, humiliated, frightened, defeated and generally gibbering wrecks, is to acknowledge their emotion. We don’t have to agree with their emotion. We don’t have to copy their emotion. We don’t have to make any comment about the circumstances.
We simply have to acknowledge the emotion, and show, through our acknowledgement, that we still respect the person, in spite their emotional display, and in spite the circumstances that led to these humiliating circumstances.
Generally, that leads to slight embarrassment on their part but that is a much more comfortable emotion than the anger and hurt.
Developing a group
We are often angry and humiliated when we have lost status and losing status usually means losing status in a group or being ejected from a group. Referring to a group to which we are both a part helps restore status.
Additionally, when people have been humiliated in front of their nearest and dearest, particularly the partners, children and parents, we should restore their status in their eyes too.
Identify small actions
Anger comes from loss of status and be implication, loss of control. When we look for small things we can do now, and we do them, we feel better.
Be grateful ourselves for having the opportunity to help
While we are doing all three above, we are active. We take the initiative. We are in control. We belong.
Be grateful, and allow our gratitude to show to the other person. They will be grateful in turn.
Gratitude is a great mood-lifter.
Enjoy the results
As the other person lifts from utter dejection to a willingness to try, enjoy. And be grateful again. That way we share the ‘positive feedback’ with the other. Let them share the way our mood has improved.
And watch the entire group become more buoyant
If we have done our job well, collective efficacy and trust should have risen. And we all know that collective efficacy – our belief that our colleagues are competent – is the most powerful factor in raising school quality. It is bound to have the same impact in other circumstances.
Trust also creates upward positive feedback spirals. Though, we may need a lot when we start from a dark place.
What do you think?
- Are these the effective mechanisms for regaining resilience in desperate places?
- Are these effective mechanisms for encouraging people who really have few ways forward and little to push off from?
- Would these questions even help you in the day-to-day dispiriting trials of the western world – like getting stranded in an overcrowded airport?
- Are you able to try them out in the less-than-terrible conditions so that one day you can use them when life is truly terrible?
L – Listen
G – Group
A – Act
G – Gratitude
E – Enjoy
- Anger: I am angry so that I am important?
- The Secrets of Leaders Who Step Up in Bad Times
- Is it fair to puncture someone’s anger with active listening?
- Shh! We are talking about status and pecking order and noone must hear!
- The positive psychology of anger and hate
- Legitimate anger
- The deep challenge for an ethical positive psychologist
- A day of awe
- Find the courage to apologise and invite by understanding the deep hurt
- Pull people together? No? Is the problem that you don’t believe in you?